


i got you (under my skin)

by belldroy101



Series: so easy to love you [1]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: """"canon"""", Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Secret Relationship, Sexuality Crisis, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-30 06:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belldroy101/pseuds/belldroy101
Summary: in hindsight, he supposes it was only a matter of time before they got caughtor; the ways in which dongmin and jinwoo come together and fall apart, in no particular order





	i got you (under my skin)

**Author's Note:**

> just as a disclaimer in case i didn't make it clear enough; all sex happens after eunwoo is of age!
> 
> title from mirotic by tvxq
> 
> i really should be working on finishing my wip but i needed a change and astro always inspires me and then this just kept getting longer and longer so here we are! tbh this isn't a popular ship so i don't know if anyone will read this but regardless, enjoy!

 

* * *

 

_"sometimes you are the toxic person. sometimes you are the mean, negative person you're looking to push away. sometimes, the problem is you."_

some days, he hates lee dongmin.

hates his beautiful face and his beautiful eyes and his beautiful voice; hates his talent and his height and the way they all look at him. the star shining the brightest.

the curse, the caress, that fated name that was given: eunwoo. who we've all been searching for. who carries enough light to cast the shadow on the rest. that word fills mouths so full to the brim there is no room left for any others. not astro. not jinwoo. just eunwoo. as a leader and as a friend, he never let that cause resentment. he is jinjin and he is cute and silly and happy and he loves that about himself. loves that he can be that. but as just jinwoo, nothing else, the resentment comes and he doesn't have the strength to stop it.

he isn't even angry at him, not really. dongmin didn't ask to be this way. but some days, the days when all the attention goes to _eunwoo_ , he can't help it.

but he is a leader now, and he has learned one of the most important parts to being a leader is not being selfish and not letting his own emotions affect the group or their dynamics in a negative way. he is not a child, he is a grown up and he can let these things pass by him and not get caught up in them. 

but some days it's so hard.

eunwoo, the golden boy. 

_eunwoo, please tell us what it's like to be so talented?_

he doesn't know why he pushed dongmin in the hallway. maybe it'd been how the hosts had focused all their eyes on him, maybe it had been the special treatment no one had bothered to hide, maybe it was the way the makeup noonas had looked at him with stars in their eyes. maybe jinwoo was jealous of the way he could so easily get any of those girls, if he just asked. he wouldn't, jinwoo knows this. but he _could_  and that's what matters. maybe jinwoo is jealous of the girls dongmin can get at the flick of a hand.

or maybe jinwoo doesn't want those girls- maybe it isn't dongmin getting the girls attention that he's jealous of, maybe it's the girls he's-

it doesn't matter, it can't matter, so he pushes him. he channels all that feeling into something easy, something uncomplicated. anger. 

dongmin doesn't say anything to the subtle shove, just keeps walking. hardly even blinks an eye in annoyance. somehow, that makes jinwoo even angrier. dongmin gets mad much easier than jinwoo does, and something about him being able to remain nonplussed in this one specific instance that jinwoo is actually asking for it just fuels his fire even hotter. 

later, it eventually reaches a head in the studio. they're the only two left, he's catching dongmin up on choreography he missed when he was filming. dongmin misses a step, it shouldn't be a big deal. it really isn't one. but jinwoo has had a long day and he's so angry and he doesn't understand why.

"why aren't you getting this dongmin? you should be getting this." his tone is sharp from the get go, there is no denying the challenge in his voice.

he knows the younger has a temper, and he's been gnawing at his nerves all day. knows his patience has worn thin, he sees the two of them; a train derailing. they are headed towards certain destruction, towards a fiery explosion that can only end in pain, but jinwoo doesn't want to pull the brakes. he barrels full speed ahead and doesn't look back for an instant.

"maybe because you're not teaching me! i'm not like you, i can't always pick it up that fast. just give me a second." dongmin's hands are clenched tightly into fists as they face eachother. jinwoo is reminded of two wolves circling before the inevitable fight, teeth bared.

and maybe dongmin admitting that he can't pick up choreography the way he can causes a dark thrill in jinwoo, that affirmation that for once he is better than dongmin. maybe he is the golden boy tonight.

"maybe if you fucking tried harder instead of staring at those dumb girls the entire day, you could've had a clearer mind to rehearse."

"what? what are you talking about? what girls?"

"come on, the makeup noonas at the show, you couldn't control your dick for two seconds and stop flirting long enough to focus on anything else."

"maybe you're just mad because i actually have girls after me! i really don't understand where this animosity is coming from jinwoo."

"it's fucking hyung to you, you know that." jinwoo spits out.

"well maybe if you gave me a reason to respect you, i'd call you hyung!" dongmin shoots back and jinwoo can hear the venom in his voice. feels it creeping like ice in his veins. he is on fire with it, he is going to burn because of lee dongmin.

jinwoo didn't realize just how close they had gotten as their words had become harsher. almost toe to toe. this close, he can see those eyes that everyone fawns over. can see the face that makes them melt. right now, that beautiful face is twisted in confusion and anger. he thinks dongmin might punch him, he thinks he might have pushed this too far.

he wants to say, _come on, hit me. give me what i deserve._

he wants to say, _this isn't me. you know that dongminnie, get me out of my own head please._

the air between them is thick and toxic and jinwoo really, really thinks that dongmin is going to hit him.

but dongmin kisses him.

hard and rough, bits his lip with enough force to draw blood. salty and bitter on his tongue. and jinwoo can hardly think. he was so angry and he doesn't know why but maybe this is it. maybe this has always been it. he pulls dongmin's hair hard and rucks up his shirt and they go down to the floor and he wants to say, fuck you. but he hasn't kissed someone in so long, and it's like all the rage has drained out of him. those makeup noonas didn't get this. they won't get this. because now he has it.

all he wants is closer, closer, closer. 

he wants to say, fuck you. he should say it. he should. but when he pulls away and looks at that face all he can say is

_please don't leave._

and they kiss, and they kiss, and they kiss.

after awhile, they both stop. taking a moment to breathe and stare at the ceiling with swollen lips and electric skin as the clock boldly reads 3:27am and oops, neither of them have slept at all. they lay on the sweat stained floor of the studio side by side and jinwoo thinks that he has never felt more alive.

dongmin turns to him and whispers, 

"you too?"

even so vague, jinwoo knows exactly what he's asking. what he just admitted to. jinwoo feels the truth of the moment like a brand on his skin. 

but the darkness covering the outside world makes jinwoo feel brave, as though all that exists in this moment are him and dongmin; and nothing else. it makes him feel reckless, he has kissed this beautiful boy and lived. he is a leader but in the quiet of the night he feels like just jinwoo and just jinwoo feels his heart enter his throat, feels a tiredness in his bones that has been years in the making. he can count the number of people who know on one hand, because the number until now has been zero. 

"yeah, me too." and kisses dongmin again.

the number now is one.

* * *

 

_“i've learned that we're all entitled to have our secrets.”_

in hindsight, he supposes it was only a matter of time before they got caught. 

but out of all the members, of course sanha would be the first to walk in on them, of course.

as a leader jinwoo made it his responsibility to know where everyone was at all times. minhyuk was choreographing, bin had a solo schedule, myungjun was in vocal practice, and sanha would be with his family all day. the dorm would be empty, except for them. a rare but blissful opportunity. 

they'd been on dongmin's bed, kissing and rutting eachother into the mattress. jinwoo was underneath dongmin and had just pulled off his shirt. he shivered at the feeling of bare skin against bare skin, and could feel how it was affecting dongmin against his thigh. he sighed as kisses began trailing his jaw and neck and threw his head back in pleasure, and it was then that he saw him. he looked past the top of dongmin's head and there he was. sanha. his eyes wide and mouth open; witnessing them both through the open bedroom door.

jinwoo had pushed at dongmin trying in vain to get him off him, as though that could make things better. could make this whole thing make sense. at first, the other seemed confused at the sudden rejection, but as he saw where jinwoo's shocked stare was pointing he quickly sprung off the bed in record time, hurrying to get on his shirt. before anyone could say a word; sanha made a run for it. going back the way he came. 

"stay here, i'll go after him." jinwoo said, grabbing a spare key as he followed the youngest's path. he leaves dongmin, who is still frozen in shock and horror, waiting in the doorway of his bedroom.

he trailed behind sanha for a few blocks, giving him space to process probably one of the most confusing moments of his short life. but jinwoo can count the number of people who know on one hand. and he honestly doesn't know what sanha is thinking. sanha could hate him. sanha could destroy him, destroy them all. easily. the thought leaves anxiety twisting uncomfortable and overwhelming in his stomach.

maybe, he wasn't giving sanha space for the others benefit, maybe the truth is he is scared of what sanha will say when jinwoo catches up to him. maybe he isn't ready to be hated. not like this, not by him.

eventually, sanha turns off the street and into a cafe and finds a little table in the back. jinwoo sits across from him and keeps his face blank. sanha doesn't look surprised to see him there, but he _does_ look absolutely terrified. jinwoo wryly thinks that it should really be the other way around. neither of them order anything.

when he finally says something, it comes out stuttered and quick, "i-i don't think it was what i thought it was hyung. my eyes were playing tricks on me. i'm sure that's what happened."

sanha is trying so hard to make it easy for him, to be the one protecting _him_ , it makes jinwoo's heart ache a little bit. sweet sanha, good sanha, painfully young sanha with the loud laugh. he could say yes. he could say: you're absolutely right sanha, it was not what you thought. they could both move on and pretend and keep on pretending. jinwoo cherishes his innocence, his blind trust, even when the life they live has robbed him of so much of it. today, right now, he must rob a part of it too. because he feels how heavy his secrets weigh on him, and there is only so much pretending he can do in this life.

"that's not true. it was exactly what you thought it was." 

the look on sanha's face when he registers what jinwoo just said makes jinwoo realize maybe he hadn't been trying to protect them when he gave him the option of deniability, maybe sanha was just afraid of hearing the answer. the thought stings. naive sanha, immature sanha, painfully young sanha. 

"but that can't be true hyung, you and dongminnie, it just doesn't make sense. it can't be true."

he's drawing circles on the table with his fingers, all callused from playing guitar. he won't look jinwoo in the eye.

"this, this is the way i am sanha, the way i've always been."

"what about dongmin hyung?"

"i can't answer that for him."

"do the others know?"

"no."

"can they know?"

"no."

sanha hesitates for a moment.

"i won't tell anyone, i promise."

caring sanha, gentle sanha, painfully young sanha trying his best to understand. he should leave it here, their secret is safe with the youngest, he should let this be. he shouldn't push his luck, it will only go so far. but sometimes he isn't a leader sometimes he is just jinwoo. selfish jinwoo, tired jinwoo, gay jinwoo. so he keeps on talking.

"sanha-ah, be honest, do you hate me now?"

"i don't get it hyung, but if you said this is how you always have been, then you've been like this since i've known you, and- and i loved you then, so i must still love you now. you're still you."

he still won't look at him, but sanha has never been a good liar, is too young to know how to be. so jinwoo accepts what he's saying at face value.

"the things, you and dongmin hyung do, i really don't understand. but it's not my business, is it? so it shouldn't matter."

jinwoo leans back in his chair, feels the weight of his lies on his shoulders. thinks of sanha, so young and so good. thinks of dongmin and his lips and his smile and his laugh. thinks of himself. of who he is. he can count the people who know on one hand, but being able to lift that extra finger up as he walks away makes him feel lighter than he knows how to articulate.

* * *

 

_“living together is an art. it's a patient art, it's a beautiful art, it's fascinating.”_

during their first tour of asia, where they're putting on showcases all across the continent and filming for the astro project, dongmin and jinwoo are roommates for the whole month. they may live together in the dorms but this is their first time sharing a room. the privacy is exhilarating. where each night they come back to beds and rooms free of prying eyes, where they can lose themselves in eachothers hands and mouths and no one is the wiser.  

there is no evidence of these encounters, no marks on skin in fear of vigilant eyes and no voices raised too loud in fear of neighbors ears. there is no physical evidence, but maybe that evidence doesn't matter much at all. maybe the true testament to whatever-this-is that has been their state of being for the last few months is in the way that dongmin's hands linger on jinwoo when they're around eachother, or how even in a crowd jinwoo's eyes will always find dongmin. maybe it's in the unsaids, the maybes, the what ifs and the could bes. 

that tour is when dongmin fucks him for the first time.

it's something they've both been dancing around for awhile, getting close but not quite. either a lack of nerve or a lack of privacy or a lack of time or a combination of all three getting in the way. but this night, out of all the others, has escalated. jinwoo would be lying if he said he did not keep lube and condoms in his bag waiting for this moment to come since the first night that dongmin had kissed him. like a derailed train- they've always been barreling towards certain destruction. it was always going to lead here.

it's not until dongmin holds the lube with shaking hands that jinwoo realizes the gravity of this moment. gently, he takes the bottle from the others fingers and sets it beside the condom waiting in the bedsheets. he holds dongmin's hands in his own.

"we don't have to do this yet, you know."

"no, no i _want_ to do this, i want to do this so much, it's just that- i've never done it."

"girl or guy?"

dongmin firmly shakes his head.

"no, i've never done it with either. with anyone at all. i just...don't want to be bad. i want it to be good for you."

it strikes jinwoo then, a reminder, that dongmin is so young. they both are. sometimes the reality of the job makes him forget that, not only with dongmin but with all of the group, but the truth is that they are all still growing up. he tenderly pushes dongmin's bangs back.

"if you are ready for this, we'll do it. you don't have to be afraid, i'll help you."

he thinks he'll regret what he says next, feels it's too sappy even in his head. but it's the truth, and jinwoo is nothing if not painfully honest.

"as long as i'm with you, it will be okay."

dongmin is a good listener, carefully going through fingering and foreplay with enough grace that jinwoo is melted into the bed by the end of it. but there are not enough words to describe how it feels to have dongmin inside him for the first time. he was right, about the train. dongmin destroys him. he breaks him apart and builds him back up again and again until the only thing that jinwoo can remember is this moment right here. it's not perfect, sex takes time and understanding before it truly hits it's best peaks. but for a first time, especially a _first_ first time in dongmin's case, it's damn near close. jinwoo is so overwhelmed, with affection, with adoration, with the ecstasy of not having to hide and being able to just exist as he is. as they are. dongmin is so sweet jinwoo feels as though he is left with cavities, he is always asking if he is alright and if he is okay; and it'd be overbearing if it wasn't so goddamn endearing. the moment so good and pure that jinwoo really does not know why they had waited so long. but just that it was so worth the wait. every day, every hour, every minute, and every second he has been wanting this had culminated into this night. maybe before he even knew it was what he wanted, when he still masked attraction behind walls of insecurity and hate, he thinks now that he still knew in his heart he was just waiting for this moment. and for all the moments after it.

afterwards, after dongmin has pulled out and tied a condom for the first time (jinwoo helps him figure it out with a lopsided grin he doesn't bother hiding) he turns around for a moment to pull on boxers and wipe the drying come off of his own belly and when he turns back he is greeted by the sight of tears running down dongmin's face.

sheer panic seizes his heart, "what's wrong? god i'm so sorry, if you weren't ready i shoul-" dongmin cuts him off with a hand on his arm and a tearful smile. 

"it's not that, that- i just, never thought i could feel that close to someone before. thank you, for letting me."

jinwoo is rendered speechless. but he knows what he feels like he knows how to breathe. like he knows his mother's face. like he knows his own name. 

 _i love you i love you i love you_  

* * *

 

_"and yes, i'll admit it- i'm jealous."_

when jinwoo first sees him, all he can think is, "shit."

because this trainee will be the death of him, he knows it.

jinwoo's hair is tacky and sticking to his skin with sweat, the shirt he's wearing ripped and old- he looks like a goddamn disaster of a person. and this boy walks in and all eyes turn to him immediately.

because he is beautiful.

and jinwoo feels himself prickle at the sight, because beautiful boys always get advantage over the talented ones. everyone knows it. this boy is already one step ahead from them all. even worse, he's talented too. with a charming demeanor and a clear, sweet voice. he can dance okay; albeit he's no jinwoo and definitely not a minhyuk (the fifteen year old prodigy jinwoo had taken under his wing) but he can keep up with choreography and that's what matters in these boy groups. he's not the most talented in the room, not by a long shot, but he is by far the most captivating. that will get him noticed.

talent means a threat. beauty _and_ talent means unbeatable. in lee dongmin is another person in the way of what jinwoo is fighting to achieve, and he is everything that jinwoo can't win against. beautifulbeautifulbeautiful. jinwoo knows that's not him- not with his crooked teeth and too-big nose and small stature to contend with all that lee dongmin has to offer. 

so jinwoo's first thought is: i hate him.

its irrational and a lot unfair, but every talented trainee has to experience it.

jinwoo doesn't make the rules, he's just trying to survive.

(later, when they become a part of the same team under the name astro: they aren't close. there is a distance between them that jinwoo doesn't know how and doesn't know if he even wants to mend. he won't lie and say he isn't intimidated by this person younger than him, because he is. he is afraid of people who seem so perfect. he finds comfort in myungjun, with his loudness and his big smiles and his funny personality. or in sanha, with his immaturity and his braces and his screeching. or even in minhyuk, and the way he looks at jinwoo as though he hung the stars in the sky when they dance together. they are flesh and blood, painfully and inequitably human. but dongmin remains like a painting hung up in a museum: gorgeous and intriguing, but only when viewing from distance. the closer you got the less you understood.)

_why can't you see me for who i am?_

* * *

 

_"anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they’re not."_

shower's are a godsend when you're an idol. every aspect of it is euphoric: the privacy, the feeling of being _clean_ for once (no makeup, no sweat, no nothing) and the blessing that is hot water on sore muscles. and of course, dongmin and jinwoo using it for sex is just an added, often very pleasant bonus.

it scares him sometimes, how easily he gets on his knees for dongmin. the first time, the second and the third and the fourth- even now it scares him. how all that resolve and all that determination he had built over the years had crumbled away so effortlessly, so naturally. the promise he had made to himself when he left home to be a trainee, broken.

_no more kissing boys jinwoo._

he had had so much self restraint. had tried so hard to be good, to the point where it had almost been easy. almost. but then dongmin had come, with his kindness and his laugh and his fire and he had kissed jinwoo first. had screwed up all of jinwoo's progress and all of his self control and kissed him first. he had kissed him even when jinwoo hadn't been good to him and didn't deserve it and jinwoo just hasn't been able to bring himself to stop kissing him back since. and now here they are in bin and dongmin's small shower smelling of the same shampoo with jinwoo willingly sucking dongmin's dick. because he wants to. because he likes it. 

and that's scary too. that now dongmin knows that. that he could tell someone the things jinwoo does because jinwoo wants to do it, the way he moans for it and the way he takes it. how would they react? seeing their precious jinjin now? and what of eunwoo? who stands with his hand tangled in jinjin's hair and looks at him as though he will devour him. the two of them could ruin eachother, maybe they already have, maybe they already are; but that doesn't mean jinwoo ever wants to stop.

after dongmin comes in his mouth, he tugs jinwoo up by the hair and jerks him off with half lidded eyes. jinwoo squirms against his touch and pants into his neck and whispers his name like a prayer as the water rains down on them.

_dongmin, dongmin, dongmin._

they may have eunwoo, but he knows now; he will _always_ have dongmin. 

while jinwoo's come washes down the drain, the pair stand together supporting eachothers weight. dongmin's arms are around him and his legs are weak. they will leave this room smelling of the same shampoo. dongmin knows what he looks like, when he's on his knees. but he still holds him up afterwards. and no one knows that except the two of them.

_is this what home is supposed to feel like?_

* * *

 

_“i love you in waves and tonight i’m drowning."_

beauty hurts. jinwoo and his bleached hair and his scruffy nails and his abs all know this fact well.

but when he sits besides dongmin as the other is crying; as he apologizes over and over again for the burdens he brings to the group. when he witnesses him _apologizing_  for talent and recognition he did not ask for, and for the way he steals what they are supposed to share; jinwoo realizes the reality of that small phrase very clearly. beauty hurts. dongmin is beautiful, but that does not mean perfection. can't mean perfection, because it is perfection that is killing him.

he carefully holds dongmin in his arms even though the younger is much taller than he'll ever be, and thinks that he has never felt more like a hyung than he has in this moment. he kisses his hair and whispers in his ear and tries to help shoulder this weight that he had not realized dongmin carried. that he himself had put on dongmin the moment that he met him.

_i understand now, i didn't before, forgive me my love_

he feels grateful, because he now sees the parts of himself dongmin is giving away and the fear that he alone has been carrying. he vows to never let him buckle under the weight again. he will be a better leader, a better friend, and a better lover to help dongmin see that he has not lost parts of himself at all. he is whole and intact and always will be. his talent does not negate jinwoo's, or sanha's, or minhyuk's or bin's or myungjun's. others love for him does not negate the love they can all receive, because love multiplies- not subtracts. 

if jinwoo could talk to his former self, he'd say a lot of things. about growing up, about astro, about leading and family and allowing himself to kiss boys and be okay with it. but he'd also talk about dongmin. he'd tell him, dongmin is not perfect. he will never be perfect. he is not beautiful because he is perfect and he is not perfect because he is beautiful. but he is beautiful because he is genuine. and at first he will seem to be the mushroom cloud to your nuclear fallout but you have begun to realize he is the star to your sun.

on stage, online, together and apart. 

_yes, this is what home feels like_

* * *

 

_" a soulmates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in."_

every day, he loves lee dongmin. and he hasn't found a good enough reason to pretend that isn't true. 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'll allergic to proper grammar and this timeline is not..perfect but i tried my best
> 
> anyway i love park jinwoo with all of my heart and he's such a beautiful person inside and out. the amount of time i put into trying to do him justice in a character format was a Lot but i think it paid off.
> 
> kudos and comments are very, very appreciated. especially comments please do tell me what you think, i love it. and if you liked this and want to read 20k+ more of my stuff, feel free to check out my monsta x fic i'm currently working on.
> 
> (quotes at the beginning of parts are by: theblacklittlemermaid.tumblr.com, nicholas sparks, pope francis, me i guess, paulo coelho, denice envall, and alice frank respectively)


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